Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
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A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
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I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap