I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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