So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
