Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
