no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
