I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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