apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
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Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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