just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
