I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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