My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
