The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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