i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
