my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
