he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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