can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
