You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
