Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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