How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
