i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
