i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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