I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
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I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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