I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
