Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
