So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
