The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
