he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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