i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
