i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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