Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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