i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
