i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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