CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
