I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
