its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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