I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
