would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I cockslap morals
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
