ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
