Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i was born a porn star she said
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
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