just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
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