Only a mothe r could love this liver
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
