I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
