maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
