Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
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Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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