I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
