Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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