Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
