my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
