are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
