i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
