I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
