So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
