I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
