so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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