This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
All the doctor said was why
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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