I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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