If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
