i permit you to call me
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
