I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
