I faked an abortion last night.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
