I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
