I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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